My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
