i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
