maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
