The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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