Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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