We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
