I faked an abortion last night.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
