I need to stop coming to work sober
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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