My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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