So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
