Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
