First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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