I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
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