Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
