Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
They left me at home... I'm a liability
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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