Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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