apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
