I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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