I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
