But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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