Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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