At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
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