Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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