Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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