My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
