That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
