I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
