my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
