The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
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