I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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