I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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