i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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