Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Randomize
