Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
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