i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
