I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
