just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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