mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
