i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
My day in three words: secret purse cake
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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