sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
