Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
