We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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