Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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