woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Randomize
