Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
