We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
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I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
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I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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