i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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