Where did you get a picture of my penis
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize