News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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