Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
