Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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