GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
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No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
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S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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