I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
