If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
