I'm so fucking centered right now
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
My ATM looks so different sober.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
