Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
