corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
