My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize