I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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