If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
