I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
