I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
